Kiss my soul : Diary Edition



By: Fairouz Tamer

Staying at home for someone like me isn’t healthy, but I do always find a way to stay sane and not end my life. This text message from a friend of mine ruined the whole “temporary” calm mood for me.

“Are you still single? Didn’t date anyone yet? You should be probably with someone right now as we are bored.”

And did I reply? No, I didn’t.

Here is something I genuinely wanna talk about: I am not the one, and I will never be the “one.” I always feel like I am the one before the real one. I have always been asked why I don’t date or why I am not currently in a relationship, or have I ever experienced love. I have been in a relationship, and it left the worst image of love in my head. My ex used me to gain popularity and attention from people around me because I was one of the most popular students in our high school, but that’s not the actual reason. The real reason is I feel I don’t want to commit to anyone. I don’t want to stick to a routine that I know I can’t handle at the moment.  I barely care for my mental health conditions, and I don’t have enough energy to care about someone else’s emotions and problems. I want to be his sister and friend before being his wife. Yes wife, because I do not have time to waste over spams of PDA. 

I remember one time a friend said to me “You take things too seriously when stuff like that shouldn’t be taken like that,” “You need to chill and be a female for a while.”

I see it and view it and respectfully want it that way. If you want me, you have to accept it. Things like that should never be taken less than serious; at the end of the day; I am not the kind of a girl who wants to be on the teenage girl drama magazines. That’s not me,

I would rather be on the TIME 100 magazine.

I genuinely want to say I wish I have someone I can call mine, but when is the right time? I don’t know. It hurts me way too much when people tell me “how are you still single!” As if I killed their sibling or something. It is not fun and games for me. It is something I need but couldn’t find the one who would match up with me. 

I am a 19-year-old girl who knows nothing about love, but I certainly feeling things toward human beings (men). I would love to talk to someone ( a male) about my life and how things are going and have the same mutual feeling and communication back; this never happened to me yet. I wish I really can talk to someone instead of my mom. I wish to be with someone who views me as a human, not a curvy body or beautiful eyes. I wish someone would kiss my soul and not my lips. 

So if you ask me am I happy being single? The answer is yes, I am. As long as I am not hurting anyone; I am better off this way. I don’t want to play with someone’s heart, because karma is a bitch. I want to leave a good memory and not a heartache.

For people who are getting into relationships because you are bored, trust me, someday you will blame yourself, and everything else for wasting your time masturbating through video calls, or flirting through text messages. Love isn’t a tennis ball to throw away whenever you want to, but love isn’t fatal either. 

You choose what love is to you. 

Categories: Personal Stories

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